There’s a lot of people out there that should be stayed away from. Whether this is learned from experience or intuition, something will tell you to stay away from them. There could be various reasons for it and maybe only specific to you, but it’s generally a good idea to follow this instinct… Unless its danger that’s keeping you away…I find there’s something alluring about danger and being a little risky. Too much can cause major problems but a little can’t hurt, right?
That’s not the point here though… My instincts normally sway straight to trust. I don’t know if I do but I sometimes wonder if I have trust issues. The first thing I consider when I meet someone new is:
“who do we have in mutually common?”
“What things would they tell others?”
“How much should I say incase they spread shit?”
It’s always these or some form of them. I just don’t seem to trust people. I’m always thinking that they are wearing a mask, being fake with me, collecting gossip for a giggle with their friends. It takes me a while to warm up to them and I don’t fully trust them until they have proven themselves. That’s why I can count my closest friends on one hand. And they are mostly family. The have proven their loyalty and trust.
I know it’s not the best way of doing things when meeting people but with time I might change…maybe…In the mean time I will continue being distrustful of nearly everyone. Someone will surprise me on day…and I’m waiting.
There has been a couple of times in my life that I believe I have felt the worse feeling ever. The problem with this is that they keep occurring.
1. Stupidity. In a chemistry class once, we had a test. I didn’t understand a single damn word and walked out nearly in tears at the end. That was the day that I felt really truly stupid. Seeing everyone’s pencils scribbling away while my brain struggled to decipher the words. Realising I was a failure. Then there’s the stupidity of being drawn into something that my mind conjured up and having to make myself forget…or rather remember that there was nothing real there.
2. Betrayal. Having a best friend of 7 years decide that it’s not good enough for her anymore. That I’m not good enough anymore. Watching her ruin everything and walk away. That hurt like a bitch. Still seeing her now and wondering “what if I had begged her back?” when it won’t change a thing.
3. Patheticness. This one has got a particular moment. This is a regularly occurring one. When I think how I’ve got sucked into something that was never there. When I cry over something that was never mine. When I realise my future is going to be a repetition of wasted efforts. This one crops up every time I over think.
4. Being in the way. Now this…This is one that has happened many times. There was one New Years Eve spent in the company of more-or-less strangers. There was a picture that I didn’t belong in. There was a goodbye.
5. Jealousy. The green eyed monster. It comes out when my confidence hits rock bottom. It’s not high anyway which is lucky; the higher up, the harder the fall. I get jealous of simple things and they are all true. I can’t compete with them so I naturally get jealous which builds as I realise I feel it and try to contain it. It’s a nasty little creature burning deep inside.
…But worst of all – I say this now but the feeling will soon numb and be lost in just words of the memory – is the feeling of not knowing. Not knowing where something is going. Not knowing where you belong. Not knowing what changes are going to occur. Not knowing what someone’s said or thinking. Not knowing. This only goes in one direction for me; thinking. Imagining the answers to all the unknowns. Over thinking every thought. Reading between every line. Considering my worth. It’s a strange feeling. It’s not like the others where it hurts. The pain comes from the thinking after. But because of that, this is the worst feeling because it can become Stupidity, Betrayal, Patheticness, Being in the way, Jealousy all in a matter of moments. I guess it’s different for everyone but I can’t help but continue to feel these again and again even when I know they are coming.
Have you ever felt that Harry Potter was lucky to need an invisibility cloak? He attracted so much attention that he was seen everywhere he went.
I wonder what that’s like. My superpower would never be invisibility.
I feel it most days. I can walk around and never be noticed. It’s not just being seen; it’s being heard too. I can say what I’m really feeling and no one will hear me. I could scream for attention and wonder if I’m screaming at all.
It’s not always a bad thing. If I say something I didn’t mean then at least it wasn’t heard…
But maybe I want it to be. Maybe I want to feel the regret from saying something I shouldn’t have.
I don’t know if I’m invisible or simply living in someone’s shadow. I’ve been in that position before and never realised myself until after she was gone. So am I in it now and just realising this time?
I don’t know…All I know is that Harry Potter never felt like this.
3. Do not get attached.
There will be times when someone comes along and talks to you, gives you a little attention, takes you out of the invisible zone you’ve been stuck in. He might say the right things when you need to hear them, do something you think is for only you. But don’t confuse what’s real with what’s not. He might also be doing this to a load of other people as well. When you realise that, the easiest thing is to cut your losses…but then you realise you’ve been drawn in and now things are a mess. You can try for distance but you miss the tiniest bit of attention. You can try to change topics but it’s not as fun. You can try to look at him way you saw him when he first walked in but he’s not the same person. Knowing from the start that it is going to be a bad idea, is a keen indicator of what is to come. Always keep your feelings in check. Make sure you can walk away at any moment. If you begin to say to yourself “walking away is effort” or “it’s just a bit of fun”, this is your unconsciousness trying to give yourself some justification that this could work…but it never does.
Follow that first instinct and never get attached. It will cause trouble all over your life not just in that one relationship.
Where you live does not define you. I know this for a fact. Where I live isn’t the best place on Earth by any means…but it’s my home. I was born and raised here. One day in the near future I’ll move out and away but it will always be my home because it’s where my family is.
But today…today I got made a joke of because of where I live. (It has a reputation). Apparently it wasn’t mean offensively but I took it that way. If I was defined by where I live, I wouldn’t be doing anything good with my life. The town is full of common slobs. I don’t mean to sound degrading but that’s the way it is. The people are generally vile. There are fights and screaming long into the nights. There are very few times I stand at a crossing and understand the conversation of the people beside me. I sometimes feel like the foreigner… but I am working my way out of here. I have good grades. I am polite. I respect things! You can’t lump someone with everyone else based on where they live. It just doesn’t work like that and it’s hardly fair to think you know someone because of their location!
It does have some perks this town… It has a history… It has some nice places to take the dog. And in the summer, you seem to forget some of its problems and just enjoy the weather…but other than that. It sucks.
My point is that, yes choosing a house is a big thing. Nearby amenities is key; schools, shops, playgrounds, anything else your life needs. But a house becomes a home. So whether you live in the Beverly Hill mansions or a crummy flat in London, if it’s a home then it doesn’t matter where you are. The place doesn’t define you. What you make of it does.
1. Never expect anything.
If you want something, someone, to be somewhere; it is down to you. No one else if going to help you get it. No one will be there when it comes crashing down. It is down to you to make it work. Want it enough and you will make it.
2. Never throw away something for a distraction.
If you are smart, be smart. Go for the career you believe you can get. Struggle through the test and headaches to get there. It will be worth it. And when a distraction comes in…ignore it. Avoid it at any cost. If it is romance, NEVER EVER let it get in the way. It will be a big mistake. If, since a child, you’ve dreamed of your prince and you’re love, then make that happen. If you wanted to be a vet or a doctor or a teacher, for the love of god, do not let a fling of romance distract you. It won’t last. They never do. The distraction won’t help you get your dream. Don’t throw away what you’ve worked for, for the love of the night… A few weeks…months…years down the line…you will realise. You will regret it. And there won’t be a thing to show for the wasted time.
To be continued