There has been a couple of times in my life that I believe I have felt the worse feeling ever. The problem with this is that they keep occurring.
1. Stupidity. In a chemistry class once, we had a test. I didn’t understand a single damn word and walked out nearly in tears at the end. That was the day that I felt really truly stupid. Seeing everyone’s pencils scribbling away while my brain struggled to decipher the words. Realising I was a failure. Then there’s the stupidity of being drawn into something that my mind conjured up and having to make myself forget…or rather remember that there was nothing real there.
2. Betrayal. Having a best friend of 7 years decide that it’s not good enough for her anymore. That I’m not good enough anymore. Watching her ruin everything and walk away. That hurt like a bitch. Still seeing her now and wondering “what if I had begged her back?” when it won’t change a thing.
3. Patheticness. This one has got a particular moment. This is a regularly occurring one. When I think how I’ve got sucked into something that was never there. When I cry over something that was never mine. When I realise my future is going to be a repetition of wasted efforts. This one crops up every time I over think.
4. Being in the way. Now this…This is one that has happened many times. There was one New Years Eve spent in the company of more-or-less strangers. There was a picture that I didn’t belong in. There was a goodbye.
5. Jealousy. The green eyed monster. It comes out when my confidence hits rock bottom. It’s not high anyway which is lucky; the higher up, the harder the fall. I get jealous of simple things and they are all true. I can’t compete with them so I naturally get jealous which builds as I realise I feel it and try to contain it. It’s a nasty little creature burning deep inside.
…But worst of all – I say this now but the feeling will soon numb and be lost in just words of the memory – is the feeling of not knowing. Not knowing where something is going. Not knowing where you belong. Not knowing what changes are going to occur. Not knowing what someone’s said or thinking. Not knowing. This only goes in one direction for me; thinking. Imagining the answers to all the unknowns. Over thinking every thought. Reading between every line. Considering my worth. It’s a strange feeling. It’s not like the others where it hurts. The pain comes from the thinking after. But because of that, this is the worst feeling because it can become Stupidity, Betrayal, Patheticness, Being in the way, Jealousy all in a matter of moments. I guess it’s different for everyone but I can’t help but continue to feel these again and again even when I know they are coming.