Again it happens

I find a lot that things can change so quickly. With this knowledge you think I’d be ready for it, but each time, it surprises me. It hits me like hard and I never see it coming; I only see it when it’s happening. Sometimes only after its happened.
This time was a bit of both; as and after. Our holiday is unfortunately flying by. Each day I’m here, It is harder to draw myself away but tomorrow is it. The end. But it’s the end of so much now. It’s the end of a manic week of activities. The end of a vacation of a lifetime. The end of a strangely exciting relationship. It is only a relationship; the depth of it is not yet, and probably won’t ever be, known but a ‘-ship’ none the less.
The thing with people here rather than at home is that they have balls. They are honest. They are friendly. When they think something, it normally comes out one way or another. People in the street stop you and say “well you are beautiful. Have a nice day”. They single you out in shops and say “You’re English?! So cool. Want a job here?”. Or a friend helps them out; “my friend thinks you’re cute, here is his number”. It’s such a change that it stuns me each time it happens! I’d give anything for that at home.
And so that’s how it happened. We met in a shop in Citywalk. He was politely interested and asked about our accents. We explain and we fell into conversation. We went back a few times to that store and after a third day we finally exchanged names. Then I sent the message to see if there was anything to do on our day off…
No reply. Somehow not a surprise coming from England but it was still an annoyance. Shrug it off and get on with life… then 2 days later there came a reply.

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An invite to a late night milkshake run to a little less-well-known shake place in LA. Him and a friend. We accepted of course! And the shakes lead to a midnight beach hunt. Drove all the way out to the canyon under the stars to find a nice beach one knew of. Park up. Head down. The 4 of us hudddled on a lifeguard hut under the “Keep Off” sign after the legal time to be on the beach.
It’s what I have been craving for so damn long right down to my core; To be noticed; To be in the company of perfect strangers; To do something so stupidly rebellious in a strange country; To feel the goofish buzz of anticipation of knowing what is coming…
We headed off to a smaller beach just along the coast where it was a little warmer. The sandals came off. Feet got wet. Innocent conversation filled the darkness. We split off onto our pairs. We talked. We watched nic and her company for the evening. We looked at each other. I felt sick with anticipation.
…Then it happened. His lips on mine. My arms around his neck. That simple yet sweet connection between 2 people that can completely clear you of all thoughts. Make you feel light. Give you another perspective on life. On love.
For a girl who believes in Plato’s famous quote from the Symposium, about 1 being separated destined to find their other half, I still argue the fact that I can possibly love. I just don’t see it ever happening. But in that fleeting moment I guess anything seems possible. I’m not saying I’ve fallen in love at all. In short, I’m saying; the right moment can make all the difference to a person. I still question his motives. I still question mine. And I probably won’t ever know the answer to either but doesn’t stop me wondering…A gorgeous American boy, with so much talent and intelligence, surrounded by beauty in his life and his industry…why me? The girl who works for every penny, with sufficient intelligence and little if any talent for anything, and struggling day in day out to be pretty…why me? It’s a bloody good question in my eyes.
But like I said at the start; things change so quickly. One day I’m little Miss British missing home. The next I’m being rebellious and enjoying the Californian coast at 2 in the morning! One moment I’m thinking I’ll never be noticed and the next I’m kissing a model under the stars…
It sounds like such a perfect story that it’s got to be made up, right? No one will believe that something like this would happen, and even more so to me. But it did. It really freaking did!! And I’ll remember it forever. Because it was like a silly dream coming true…The simplicity of it was all I wanted. Nothing elaborate. Nothing expensive. Just…that… Funny how a complete stranger can fulfil something so personal to me before I even realise what is happening.
I’m happy. And I leave tomorrow morning. And that night was the last we see of each other before I leave. And we may or may not ever see each other again but it happened. I still feel it. Still remember every second. Still remember the feeling of his arms around me, his hands on me, the comforting smell of the sea mixed with him…
My perfect little LA story…

Dan -x-

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California

Months in advance I said I would post all about our journey to Los Angeles as it happened…but much like this trip, not a lot has gone exactly to plan. Things have happened one way or another but nothing quite right.
The flight out of Heathrow was fine. My first time flying but I loved it!! Just like the constant motion of a plane.

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Our 11 hour flight was killer on the jetlag but I didn’t quite feel it until later. Mine wasn’t the sort of jetlag people told me about like falling asleep in strange places…Whilst taking a dump in a public toilet… no, mine was a flood of emotion. Mostly bad ones. It was overwhelming.
Pulling up to the hotel and thinking this is it. This is 2 years worth of saving and planning and dreaming and we finally made it. Booked in. Looked around the room. Tried the bed. All okay.
Head over the road to get a drink and an american SIM card. Done. Head back and meet the locals. Done…wish it hadn’t. That just sent me off. I was scared and homesick and regretting it. All the money we spent wasted. Everything was wrong!!
So I cried…A lot.. I thought even more than I cried but came to the idea that we have to make the best of it.
So we started our days out;
Hollywood Boulevard.
Universal and City walk.
Six Flags.
Santa Monica.
And I’ve decided…its not that bad. Everywhere begins to feel like we belong. Everyone asks about our accent. Everyone notices us. It’s so foreign but so exciting. I never get bored of hearing; “so where are you from?” In that gorgeous American accent everyone had out here. Nic is loving it more than she thought she would which is a lot. She plans to return next year with her aunt hopefully. See it all again. Do it all again. Learn from this trip and make it better!
Me…I won’t be coming back. As I sit here on our hotel balcony looking out at the gorgeous pool with the lights on, listening to the crickets sing…I can’t imagine not looking up at the dusty blue sky as the sun sets behind the mountains, and palm trees litter the sky line.

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It’s so serene. So perfect. Everything I hoped it would be.
But there’s a point that you realise. Mine was today whilst walking along Santa Monica Pier. I can’t come back. Life is already getting in the way. I have to chose between driving and moving out and on with my life, or chasing an impossible dream to the other side of the world. I have no reason to return. I’ve done and will have done, all the things I truly wanted to do so why do I need to come back? Once is enough right… There’s no one to return for. There’s nothing that holds me here except the beauty of the hustle and bustle in a foreign dessert. That’s it. So as I count down the last 6 days here I will remember to keep looking out across the skyline. Remember the sight. Never forget it. This is it. California is so wonderful but life isn’t made to be perfect so I’ll enjoy what I have while it is here…

Dan -x-