Each time something happens in my life, I am reminded of just how fast things change. Those chance meetings. Those sudden breakups. It all occurs out of the blue. Hardest to accept when it hits like a bus too, strangely enough…
And yet, when I know that things change all the time so fast, at times I feel nothing changes at all. If change is always happening then in some way surely it is not changing?
What I mean to say when “nothing changes”, is that nothing changes for the better…In the long run that is. So much happens and gives me that sudden burst of crazy excitement. Then down the line, that bubble? It bursts. Hard. Ruins everything.
This time…The change wasn’t so much fast. It’s wasn’t even obvious. It’s hard to even define it as a change. That stupid dream I’ve been unknowingly chasing. The blissful story. The one where the perfect American lad falls for the very imperfect English lass. The one that is so much like the fairytales I refuse to believe happen…well I have more proof now that they don’t. I found this story on the other side of the world a little bit north of the equator. And I have left it still on the other side of the world, only a little south of the Arctic. When before I thought that the affair was dead before it even began last time, a moment changed it all. I chased it back, went on another crazy holiday. I was deemed “brave”, “crazy”, “deluded”. Yet I believed it payed off. I felt like I had achieved something…that I had made a step towards my future.
The key thing here I should note is my earlier description of a “stupid dream”; stupid being the operative word. Of course it wouldn’t work! Why the heck would it? Who meets someone once, returns and falls irrevocably in love?! No one. Especially when I am involved. And yet…I was subconsciously planning for it.
Instead now we are strangers on other sides of the world, more than likely never to see one another again. Doesn’t matter how I do or do not feel. Doesn’t matter if I wanted to meet again or not. This is it. As far into the future as I can see, as I can imagine, it is over.
We were simply 2 ships passing in the night. The nights were my favorite times and now I understand why. That was when our chance meetings felt like they could be real. Like they could mean more…
So all that is left, is to pick up my still ever foolish pieces and continue on. Start again. Try to forget those days and nights when I thought everything could be falling into place. Plan for the future. My future. Of me. Not him. Not anyone else. Not silly pretty stupid stories. Life.
Because life is not a fairytale.